I don’t.  Diet, that is.  I’ve been on every diet known to man… Weight Watchers, Atkins, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig, South Beach, The Zone, Dr. Phil, Oprah’s trainer’s diet, you name it.  I learned one thing.

I hate diets.  Diets don’t work, at least for me.  And I really should, rather must, lose weight.

I’m not saying that because I need to lose 15 pounds so I can fit into my A&F jeans.  I seriously need to drop a whole person, like 150 pounds.  A whole person.  How do you even start when the odds are so against you?

I see how my weight impacts every day of my life.  There’s more and more I can’t do these days due to lack of stamina, ability to breathe well, back pain, etc.  I know I’m missing out on things I’d love to do.  For example, I love to travel, but I won’t anymore unless it’s by car because I can’t stand being on the airplane.  It’s an impossible situation.

I see how you look at me- pity, disgust, amusement, anger- it’s all there.  I hear the comments you make to your buddies- hey look at that lardass over there!- or to yourself- I’ll never allow myself to get like THAT.

Yeah, I never thought I would either.  Never thought it would be this bad.  Never.  You just don’t set out in life to have this happen.  But it does.

Now I feel like a prisoner in my own body.  I won’t do the surgery because I know people who’ve had it with terrible, lifelong complications.  It’s simply too dangerous, too extreme.  Diets don’t work, I simply won’t stay on one long term.

I’m shortening my life every day by carrying all this weight.  I know this.  Believe me, I want to live a long healthy life, I want to know my grandchildren some day.  I also know at this rate, it isn’t going to happen.  If I live past 50 it will be a miracle.  I know you want to remind me, chide me, pray for me, whatever.   Don’t waste your time- I know I’m fat, believe me, and I don’t need to be reminded by the likes of you on a daily basis.  Or ever, for that matter.  You’re only doing it to be holier-than-thou, anyway.

We bought a treadmill last January.  I won’t go to the gym because the people are so critical and cruel there.  I don’t have room in my life for that kind of judgement.  It makes me want to say to them, “At least I’m TRYING.  Can’t you give me credit for that?”  But they never can.  All they see is this obese person who it taking up “their” time on a machine that “they” want to use.  They see a place to lay the blame for the astronomical costs of health care today.  They see a place to feel superior, namely by making someone else feel inferior.  Men and women equally- both are cruel.

And don’t even get me started talking about how hard it is to see a doctor if you’re an obese person.  Every single thing you report is a result of your weight.  The doctor simply pronounces you fat and sends you home.  There is no serious examination of anything, because they’re usually so repulsed by your weight, they want out of the room faster than goose shit on a hot tin roof.  I could go to the doctor with an accidentally amputated finger, and the doctor would send me home with a prescription to join Weight Watchers, OA or  What a nightmare.  I can’t see how we’re the responsible party for health care costs- we can’t even get the doctor to properly diagnose, much less treat us decently!

I don’t use the treadmill.  My Man does, usually about 45 minutes a session, about 3 times a week.  He’s heavy too, but not quite as bad off as I am.  I’m glad he does it- he enjoys it, and says it makes him feel better.  More power to him, god bless my Man.  My mom says we look like a set of Weebles, if you remember back that far.  I don’t use the treadmill because I can only go about 7 minutes before I feel like I’m gonna die right there on the spot.  It’s embarrassing, humiliating, depressing.

Today, a set of home workout DVDs came in the mail that I ordered.  I’ll do this once every year to two years, and think I can actually make a permanent change in my life that could really turn this around for me.    The last, most successful time was when I joined Curves with a girlfriend when we were both out of work.  We went faithfully at least 3 times a week for about 6 months.  I felt so much better.  I could breathe going up and down stairs.  I had better stamina.  I could feel a difference.  Then I got a job, stopped going to Curves and gained another 30 pounds.

I don’t know if the DVDs will help.  I don’t know if anything will help anymore.  All I know is I can try it out and see how it works.  Keep your fingers crossed (if you can!)…


1 comment so far

  1. weedivine on

    I’ll keep them crossed for you. Thank you for this post.

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